How to stop craving approval, & why it's negatively affecting your productivity and happiness

I really hope you read this, because you'll greatly benefit from the skill I'm about to teach you. The ability to take criticism constructively is a life skill. Caring about the opinions of your friends and family contributes to a harmonious co-existence. However, sometimes, we care too much what others think. We care too much how we look, what we say, whether they like us or not. We care too much about our grades, our career... to the point that it's unhealthy. When caring becomes "too much" is up to you to deduce. The focus of this article is to help you care a little less what others think - a skill we can all benefit from. Do you find yourself craving approval from others, to an extent that's burdensome? Do you want to feel more free in making your decisions?

1. Why caring so much what others think is impacting you negatively

Without realizing it, you're negatively affecting your effectiveness by seeking approval. Feeling like you have to be perfect is a HUGE hurdle to you even STARTING a task in the first place, because it makes any and all tasks seem more daunting than they are. Consider this important analogy: think about all the tasks you completed today, even if it was something small like getting dressed in the morning, or making your breakfast. The things you dreaded less, were the things that were easiest for you to do. The things you dreaded more, were the things that were harder for you to do. You probably dreaded that presentation at work more than you dreaded the drive to work. Why? Because driving to work is easy. You probably dreaded writing that test at school more than meeting your friends for lunch. Why? Because seeing your friends is easy. You didn't think twice before accomplishing the easier tasks of your day, because they were so easy. In comparison, you might have spent minutes, hours, or even days dreading the harder parts of your day. Why is this important? Because for us to be more likely to attempt a task, we need to view it as less difficult. The more difficult we view a task, the more likely we are to procrastinate, and the more we will dread it, which decays our joy and mental sanity. Caring too much what others think affixes too great of a price tag on tasks in terms of energy, making us reluctant to approach them because they seem more daunting. You have a finite amount of energy. Why spend more of it, if you can get away with spending less and achieving the same thing? If you care more than you have to, you lose at the end. Additionally, you reject opportunities because you’re too anxious about your performance having to be perfect. Say you want to be a YouTuber, but you’re afraid of what others think,  so you decide not to post a video. But that video could have been the start of a career that led to brand deals and fruitful earnings. You don’t know how much that one thing you’re reluctant to do can branch into. Do you want to continue to fear failing so much that you give up before you start? If you do, you know what that means? It means others' opinion is more important to you than your own opinion of yourself. And that's... pathetic. You need to change that. 

2. How to stop craving approval

a) Determine the root of your cravings 

From a psychological perspective, if you grew up in an environment where disrespecting an elder carried large consequences for you (such as the case with abusive parents), or were taught to respect authority figures growing up, you may be more reluctant to express disagreement. This can extrapolate to all situations, not just those involving family. I was raised with pretty traditional views, and the older I've gotten, the more I've embraced these traditional views to become more traditional myself. My cultures and traditions are a big and proud part of my identity. A part of my teachings was showing respect, sometimes unanimously, to elders. Though I have very healthy relations with my parents and my family was not abusive in the slightest, I have found myself struggling to differentiate between healthy approval seeking patterns, and unhealthy ones. Can you relate? Additionally, if you struggled to "fit in" at school as a child, or were bullied in your family or school, you may have developed a fear of rejection that drives you to excessively crave approval. Have you exhibited unhealthy attachment patterns with a romantic partner or friend, such as by tolerating behaviours you know are wrong, or staying with a partner who cheats on you? If you can relate to any of the above scenarios, you need to be cognizant of the fact that your past may result in negative approval seeking patterns, so you can put a stop to them before they get worse. 

For those who think others have really high expectations for them: I need you to stop and think realistically - who's telling you that you need to be all that? Your family? People from school? People from your office? I need you to second guess this... are their expectations of you really that high? Or are you telling yourself that they are? Because a big likelihood is that you're exacerbating the situation in your head. This is a very important habit: if you're crushing under the weight of someone's perceived expectations, ask them what their expectations are of you, and what would happen if you didn't fulfill those expectations. This is because oftentimes we incubate a situation to drastic levels in our heard. Your mother may have told you something two years ago that caused you to think she has certain expectations for you, and even though she may have stopped caring about this as much over time, you remind yourself over and over in your head. Whether it's your boss, your best friend, your partner, your sibling, whatever - anyone whose expectations you fear meeting, sit down and have a conversation affirming what their expectations are of you. This doesn't have to happen in the form of an intimidating conversation.  

b) Learn to view past negative experiences as learning experiences instead of reducing them to catastrophes

Next time you find yourself craving approval, think of the worst case scenario that could happen if you don't get it. Very rarely does the worst case scenario actually happen, but say it does. Someone laughs at you, you lose some money, you embarrass yourself. No matter how bad the outcome, instead of catastrophizing it, tell yourself from the start that even if the worst case scenario does happen, you will learn from it. Create a mini action plan for it, and create a list of good things that can result as a result of that worst case scenario happening. Say you want to launch your own blog. You're scared it's not going to do well. Say you go public with your blog, and people actually say it sucks. And then? They stop caring and move on with their lives. You wouldn't care so much what people think of you, if you realized how seldom they think of you. And maybe it's a good thing that people criticized your blog - find the silver lining in it, there's always a lesson to be learned. Because this criticism will help you realize what you should improve on, leading to your skills and profits improving. 

So, your first step is to stop catastrophizing the situation. This is easier than you think. From a psychological perspective, when you're in a stressful situation, your brain will cling to whatever reassurance you give it because it doesn't like to be in disarray - it wants to get out. It's like when you're starving - you will eat whatever you can get your hands on for the hunger to subside. Your second step is to learn from the experience.  Did you learn how to improve your product or service? Did you learn how to increase your productivity? What did you learn about yourself based on your reaction? What did you learn about the people you keep around you? There is always something to be learned. Instead of reducing an event to a catastrophe, train your mind to think of each negative experience as a learning milestone. That way, the next time something bad happens, your mind will automatically shift gears to "okay, last time I didn’t get the approval I wanted, but it wasn’t a big deal, nothing crazy happened, so I'll be okay this time too."  Your brain is a muscle - you can train yourself into thinking more productively long-term. Such is the benefit of viewing a negative experience as a learning experience instead of reducing it to a travesty. Maybe you did bad on that math test - what can you learn from this? Maybe you learned that you can't pull an all nighter like your best friend and get a good mark because though it may work for him, it doesn't work for you. Here's another silver lining: it's good if you've had a bad experience - your next bad experience will be much easier to handle because you can tell yourself you've been through worse before, and lived. I do this every time I'm scared - I remind myself of a situation I'd lived through that was worse, and it does wonders to calm me down, and helps me view previous negative experiences in a productive light. Over time, I've become truly grateful for the negative experiences in my life through recognizing them as learning steps. 

Disapproval is a good thing - it's a form of feedback. Think back to times you've experienced disapproval - those instances made you the person you are now. Disapproval is a good sign because it means you're pushing your comfort zone and trying to learn new things. Train your mind to stop villainizing disapproval. 

c) Approving of yourself naturally protects you from craving approval 

You wouldn't care as much what others think of you if you approved of yourself. I've experienced this first-hand - I've become much less concerned with how others view me the more I fell in love with myself by chasing my dreams and accomplishing them. 

You have to like yourself more than anyone else because you have to live inside yourself 24/7. Because if you don't like yourself, you're in emotional prison. You're a kite flying in the sky, pushed side to side by others' opinions, with little control of your actions. Need help cultivating self-love and self-respect? Read other articles in my Self-Improvement section. You need to approve of yourself, because someone who approves of themselves makes connections and tries to please others from a place of strength, and as a bonus to their life, NOT from a place of desperation and necessity.

What is weakness? I'm sorry for caring about animals so much that I no longer want to eat meat dishes you make. I'm sorry that I don't care so much about grades... my career goals are different than what you'd like them to be. I'm sorry that I don't like you that much anymore - instead of finding new friends that would make me happier, I'll just feel apologetic for having these emotions and continue to stay with you at the expense of my sanity. I'm sorry for setting this high goal - instead I'll shape-shift into the "safest" version of myself so you approve of me. Let me shape-shift into what my mean boss at work wants, into what my abusive partner wants, into what my parents want...
These are the sentiments of a weak person. Weakness is being apologetic for who you are. Why? Because thinking this way makes you amenable to shape-shifting into what others want. 

d) How to say no

One of the most obvious times I've noticed my life start to change was when I started saying no more. I realized I should say no more when my priorities started shifting. When I had a clearer picture of what I wanted my future to be, my goals became greater and harder, and partying became much less important. The kinds of people I wanted to surround myself with started to change. It was hard sometimes - I dealt with disapproval from friends who weren't used to this version of me. This article would have been really helpful back then. However, I'm very proud of myself for pushing my comfort zone and staying true to my priorities. 

You don't have to say yes to everything. There's neither an award, nor reward for it. Someone asks you to hang out? Someone wants to talk on the phone but you have stuff to do? Someone asks you to do extra work on a project that's not necessary? Someone is having issues with their boyfriend and needs you to lecture them for the 50th time? A colleague at work tries to dump their work on you? Someone wants your help but you're busy? When you break out of the habit of saying yes to everything, your life will start to change. 

Saying no will be hard the first couple times, especially because of people's reactions. Your friends may be surprised if you tell them you're not going out this weekend, or may be annoyed when you cancel a plan because you're busy. You will definitely deal with some animosity - be prepared for this. I had to deal with it too. But trust me, over time, people truly do get used to it, and their expectations of you change. Then it'll be easier for you to be this new and improved version of yourself. The next time you're about to say no, expect that you may get an adverse reaction, because think about the other person - of course they will be surprised if they notice you changing. So have a mini plan of how you're going to deal with an adverse reaction.  Over time, you'll find yourself with an authentic group of friends who are amenable to this improved version of you.  

e) The secret ingredient - the absolute most effective way to stop craving approval: 

People who have high "self-esteem" do things that make them feel good about themselves - this is an undeniable truth. And do you know what the foolproof way of feeling good about yourself is? Doing charity. You're not going to be obsessed with the approval of random people at your office, your partner's friends, or your aunties and uncles, if you've donated a bunch of money to a refugee family and are going to sleep at night knowing they're able to eat because of you. Please trust me when I say, you're going to care much, much less how hot you are on a scale of 1 to 10, when you're the reason a child is going to school, or when you're the reason a whole village has access to drinking water, or when you're the reason the victim of an acid attack is able to get the surgery she needs to live. You're going to care much less how many friends you have when you've sponsored a child for months, who grows up to be an educated individual and comes back to their poor village to send more kids to school, because you're the one who started that loop of goodwill. When you have that great of an impact on someone, you're going to care much less what others think. When you help others, you realize you have value far beyond your superficial beauty, or your bank account, or your grades, or your body fat percentage. I know I throw in the importance of doing charity in a lot of my posts, but that's because it truly is the antidote to low self-worth. Helping others gives you a crucial sense of shame - it'a difficult to feel sorry for yourself when you're interacting with people who experience real and big problems. 

Craving anything too much is a problem - it's reminiscent of, or is, an addiction. I hope I've brought you closer to understanding why you may be craving too much attention. Even if you don't think you are, I hope these tips find you well, because we can all benefit from being more content in our life choices, and that's only possible if we refrain from craving approval excessively.  

Sincerely, 

Annesa