The problem with "self-esteem" ... what is the healthy way to "esteem" ourselves?

Here's the problem: we're too focused on "esteeming" ourselves. You're scrolling down your Instagram feed. You wish you had her car, his physique, her wealth, his brains. You decide to do a social media cleanse to avoid these unhealthy sentiments. Here's the problem though: if you turn off your social media to avoid seeing things that make you jealous, you'll just find someone else to be jealous of. So how do you stop this loop?

Feeling like you're not good enough is not a problem that's specific to any group of people. The best-looking models, the wealthiest individuals, the smartest kids in your class... all these people have felt crappy about themselves. So can you ever stop feeling crappy about yourself? Realistically, no. But you can stop letting it affect your overall joy and actions by tackling the problem in an efficient way. That way, next time you do feel like crap, it won't affect you as much, and gradually, over time, you'll stop comparing yourself to others as much. Doesn't that sound nice?

1. Eliminate triggers that cause a heightened emotional state.

The secret to efficiency in any task is to either a) eliminate emotional triggers that would cause you to act in an unpredictable way, or b) stop being affected by that trigger at all.  Option a) is obviously easiest, and thus your first step is to remove anything that triggers a heightened emotional state in you. You'll have to do some trial and error to see what this means for you. If you're down about your appearance, this may mean unfollowing Instagram models and instead following accounts that post healthy food recipes and workouts. You may also wish to make use of YouTube's "not interested" option if it recommends a video that doesn't serve your sanity in any way, and curate your YouTube subscriptions to be channels that are IMPROVEMENT-based, instead of random YouTube channels that don't serve to improve your sanity in any way. Curating your social media to reflect IMPROVEMENT-based accounts as opposed to accounts of random socialites will decrease your likelihood to spiral into a negative "why don't I have that" loop. The idea is to remove anything that triggers a heightened emotional state, because we are more likely to be less efficient and have less control over our actions when we are in that state. You're much more likely to be in control of your actions and reactions when you remove not just the trigger, but the POTENTIAL for a trigger. It's the same as not keeping junk food in your home in the first place if you're trying to avoid it!

You have the great power of being able to control your emotions. These emotions can be a weapon or an obstacle. Learn to recognize when your emotions are an obstacle, and curate your surroundings to make it more likely that your emotions will not be an obstacle.

2. Build.

Working on #1 should make this step easier. There's nothing fundamentally "wrong" with covering up your self esteem issues with the latest in fashion and makeup, but these things will never feel like enough unless you build yourself a strong emotional core first. So how do you "build"? This stage is truly our life's work - you can never stop improving yourself.

If you feel that something in you is lacking, do something about it. You can always be better. From a psychological perspective, the more us humans invest into something, the more we value it. Thus, the longer, and more, you work on yourself, the more you're going to respect yourself, I promise. It's a wonderful self-fulfilling prophecy that just naturally happens.

Consider this analogy. Think about the last time you studied really hard for a test. You went into the test knowing you worked really hard for a good mark, but the test was objectively very high in difficulty for students. Though you're upset you didn't do as well as you wanted, you feel calm and resolute - it's easier for you to let go and proceed with life as normal - because you know you've tried really hard. Whereas if you hadn't studied well for that test, you would feel regretful and resentful towards yourself after the test, whether it were easy or hard. Here's what this means: actually working towards a goal will spare you much of the hopelessness of just wanting. Wherever your desires lie, whether it be in improving your relation with someone, progressing your career, improving your grades, improving your physique, or whatever, the more you actually work towards it, the less negative the emotions associated with what you want will be. Thus, gradually, the next time you see someone with something you want, you become less likely to spiral into negative thoughts. Once upon a time, you may have gotten really jealous upon seeing someone who has the physique you want. After 6 months of improved diet and exercise, you may see the same person and refrain from feeling crappy because you know you're actually doing something to get to where you want. Read my other articles in the "Self-Improvement" section to increase your productivity.

3. Gratitude.

Human beings will never be content with what they have. Human nature dictates that we always want more. So what's the fix? You don't have to be content with what you have, so if you're not, realize that is the norm. You just have to be grateful. Now how do you actually become more grateful? Very easy in today's world. Read about world issues. Watch the news. Watch YouTube videos about ongoing conflicts. Go out and do nice things. Volunteer. The word "volunteer" may sound out of reach and daunting. It really is not. There are tons of soup kitchens, women's shelters, homeless shelters, and refugee shelters around you, I guarantee it. All it takes is a quick Google search to locate the nearest one. Volunteer at your local mosque, church, temple or synagogue. Stop for a few minutes and speak to a homeless person. It's very difficult to feel crappy about yourself when you talk to people who have real issues.  It's very difficult to feel sorry about that bad grade you got when you're talking to a woman who's hiding from her abusive alcoholic husband at the women's shelter. It's very difficult to feel bad that you can't afford a luxury car when you're talking to a refugee who's on the streets begging for a couple dollars to feed her four children. It's very difficult to feel bad about yourself for not being as pretty as that girl you're jealous of, when you read about women who are victims of acid attacks and will be disfigured forever (if they were lucky enough to live, that is). Helping others gives you a crucial sense of shame. You're not going to be obsessed with the approval of random people at your office, your partner's friends, or your aunties and uncles when you've donated a bunch of money to a refugee family and are going to sleep at night knowing they're able to eat because of you. When you have that big of an impact on someone, then seriously, who cares what others think? If you focus too much on yourself and your own problems, go spend time with others so you're NOT alone in your thoughts. Get out of your head to escape your manic, self-loathing thoughts. If the room you're in right now was burning in fire, would you stay in it?

4. Your problems aren't special.

It's NORMAL, and EXPECTED, to feel bad when you feel like you're getting out of shape, or not progressing in your career, or not making good friends. But, get this: everyone else around you is experiencing similar problems. Feeling sad, lonely, financially stressed, feeling stupid or embarrassed... that's called BEING ALIVE. You are not entitled to more or less. You weren't born with a greater right to happiness than the next person. Your problems are thus not special in the slightest. Take comfort in that, because you're not alone in your struggles. Don't romanticize your problems. This is a horrible trend I'm seeing in millennial youths. Sometimes people declare they have mental issues or past trauma with a hint of pride. There is a BIG difference between expressing your problems through, say art or music, in the service of healing, as opposed to just being sad because you want to be sad. If you find yourself trying to one-up others in terms of your problems, learn to recognize that. You can continue doing that, which isn't going to make anything better for you. Or, you can make a conscious effort to stop and put an effort into improving, which will make your life a much easier one, and also make you a more pleasant person to be around (trust me, nobody likes to be around someone who's always complaining or belittling others' issues because they think theirs are more special). There is nothing wrong with consulting your doctor if you believe you're experiencing something more serious. I encourage you - actually, I implore you to speak to your university counsellor, your office counsellor, your doctor, a helpline on the phone, or even a trusted friend or family member if you feel that you're suffering from something more than just the routine sadness that all human beings suffer from. There are lots of resources to help you in that case. But, please do not take pride and romanticize in your problems.

It's time to shift the focus, from esteeming/respecting/admiring yourself, to being less emotional. To being more constructive.


Sincerely,

Annesa